Yesterday went pretty good. Considering the days before. I still haven't been able to eat anything. But that just comes with my nerves being bad. I try and try to block him out of my mind and I act as tho I am doing a good job at it. But inside I'm not, he's constantly on my mind. I just have to deal with it day to day.

Anyway, I worked from 1:45-7:30, came home and watch American Idol. Which I did not get really interested in until him. But I just sat at home cutting up with my brother and his girl friend, drank me some beers. My friend Tiffany from the store up from me, stopped by the house and brought me some more beer. We sat outside and talked for a while. After my mom came home we came inside and was BSing about everything. I have to work today from 2:30-7:45 and then I am off for 3 DAYS!! Marc called me lastnite and said that we are going to Pensacola for the weekend since it is Pride weekend down there and there will 8 MILES of gay gorgeous men!! But then again I just want to stay here in GA and go to Shane and Kevin's. I dunno...We'll see

Well today I went to work early. And on my way to work I got a message on my cell phone from Roger it said "I HATE YOU". I did not know what to do. Except go to work and just do my thing. So after I got off work I came home and sat outside like I have for the past 3 days. I broke down and called Roger and then left a message. The next time I called him... He answered and he told me that.....he never wanted to talk to me again and he wished I was dead. I have NEVER had anybody tell me that before. I just started crying and crying and then my mom walked outside and asked me what was going on. I told her, and I told her that I fucked up. I'm such a fuck up, I have NEVER had anybody tell me that and I did not know what to do. I just ask myself WHY ME? Why do I deserve this?

The song I need to listen to over and over.

I’m wiser now
I’m not the foolish boy you used to know
So long ago
I’m stronger now
I’ve learned from my mistakes which way to go
And I should know
I put myself aside to do it your way
But now I need to do it all alone

And I am not afraid to try it on my own
I don’t care if I’m right or wrong
I’ll live my life the way I feel
No matter what I’ll gonna keep it real
You know
Time for me to do it on my own, yeah

It’s over now
I can’t go back to living through your eyes
Too many lies
And if you don’t know by now
I can’t go back to being someone else
Not any more

I never had the chance to do things my way
So now it’s time for me to take control

I’ll start again, go back to one
I’m runnin’ things in my way
Can’t stop me now, I’ve just begun
Don’t even think about it, there ain’t no way about it
I’m takin’ names, the world is mine
Yes, I’m gonna take my time
It’s time for me to finally to stand alone

See, I’m not afraid to try it on my own
And I don’t care if I’m right or wrong
I’ll live my life the way I feel
No matter what I’m gonna keep it real
You know
It’s time for me to do it on my own!!!

Where should I start??? Saturday after work I went over to Rogers for his sister's birthday party. I had a very good time. Except when I got drunk and showed my ass. I got really upset cause Roger wasn't spending time with me and I kinda felt left out. So Sunday morning we wake up and he's on the couch and I'm in the bed. We are sitting around watch "Stuck on You".. Well he tells me that he is going to go get some washing powders at his mom's house and he would be right back. Well Lori (Rogers sister) came over to the house and told me that Roger needed some time to think about everything. So I left. I called him when I got signal on my cell phone to tell him that I was sorry. He told me he loved me and I told him I loved him. Well later on yesterday he calls me to tell me that he is going to the ER cause he has a blister on his lip that hurts really bad. Well I know that he got it from me cause I have them on my lip right now and it's from where I lay in the tanning bed. I get them every summer or when I get real upset. Well I never heard anything from him, till about 11 today. He called me and told me he was at the Dr and he would call me when he got out. Well he never did. I messaged him and told him that I loved him. Still nothing from him.I went to take a 10 min break and Colby his good friend calls me. To tell me that Roger doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Well I just started crying like a baby, I felt like someone had just stomped on my heart over and over. Once again I gave my heart to someone and look what happens. I just wished that Roger would understand that it is NOT a STD. More than that I just wished Roger would call and talk to me like an adult instead of having his sister or friends tell me things.

I constantly think about the things he has told me and done. It breaks my heart a hundred times. I haven't been able to eat anything since yesterday morning when he fixed me a sandwich. I have been so nerves all day.. And I constantly ask myself over and over what did I do wrong?? Adrienne and Muffy came up to work and waited for me to get off work for them to talk to me. When I saw them I couldn't do anything but just cry, it's crazy. I mean, I'm nothing but good to ppl and want to treat them right when I am with them and look at what happens.

Now I'm gonna miss the text messages and looking forward to seeing him. For the past month I have been so happy and I felt so good about myself. I just want to talk to him SO bad, but I know he won't call me. And it hurts that he would just let this go the way he is.

"Why did you say goodbye
Why did you walk out on me
Cry cry cry I feel like I could die
Why did you go and leave me lonely
What did I do
What did I say
To make you just walk out and leave me this way
Please come back and tell me
What I did wrong"

My world was like a sun brightly shining and now I feel like there is black cloud covering me. I ask god what did I do? What went wrong, why do I deserve to be treated like this? All I ever wanted to do is make him happy and as long as he was happy I was happy. And now it's like I have nothing to look forward to day to day. And as I said before It was TOO good to be true. To have someone that told me the things he did and do the things he did for me.